Alone, I Live On
by Mistress Noin
Summary: A short little Allen/Eries angsty piece...


Before reading: This takes place before the series, two years before it and one year after Marlene dies.  So Allen and Eries are both 19 years old.  I got my info from the wonderful Escaflowne Compendium.  If I had actually had to think about it and calculate stuff…oh, I can just _feel_ the migraine coming…

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne or any of its wonderful characters…though I wish I owned Allen…lol, its always the bishies with long hair and swords…*cough* Hotohori…Okay, on with the story…

Alone, I Live On 

            It was a chilly night.  The Mystic Moon shone brightly, casting a silvery glow over the Gardens.  Eries stood at the entrance, looking out over the empty grounds.  It was quite near the middle of the night, but she could not sleep.  That night, all the wounds in her heart had opened back up painfully.  Running through her mind was the grief; the abominable grief that she thought had faded.  No, it was more alive tonight than ever.  She hated it, and she hated the cause of this fresh new assault of emotions.  

            Allen had come to the palace that morning to report on Castelo.  When she saw him, she had immediately felt torn between delight at seeing him again and hatred at the terrible secret of his that she had to hold in.  In some perverse way, she felt that Allen was responsible for Marlene's death.  Her logical side argued that it wasn't true at all, but her heart needed a reason to hate him.  To stop loving him.

            Millerna had asked why her big sister was so uncharacteristically quiet.  Eries was normally more sociable when guests were in the palace.  Oh, how Eries wished she could just _try_ to explain it all to her dear, innocent little sister.  She was in love with her the man who fathered her deceased sister's illegitimate child.  That made her dilemma sound like a crime.  It practically _was a crime, family secrets aside.  A Princess in love with non-royalty, even if he __was a knight…Her father wouldn't buy __that in a hundred years._

            There were footsteps behind her.  She didn't bother turning around, hoping that whoever it was would leave her alone.  No such luck.

            "Princess?" Allen's soft voice cut the silence.  He came up behind her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.  She continued to ignore him, instead crossing her arms over her chest and looking at the Mystic Moon, hanging on the horizon.   "Eries, what troubles you?" he asked, and she cringed at the concern in his voice.  She swallowed, trying desperately to stop her choking sobs from surfacing.  

            Regaining her composure, she turned away from Allen's troubled expression.  "Allen, I'd rather be left to myself," she whispered, barely able to stop her voice from trembling.  There had been enough ice in her tone to make Allen remove his hand and take a step back.

            "Please Eries," he said.  "Why won't you talk to me?  I had always wished we could have been closer…" his voice died off.  He hadn't meant to say that aloud.  It probably wasn't the sort of thing he should be telling her out in the Gardens in the middle of the night.  But if nothing else, it was true.  

            The Princess turned to face him, her eyes searching his as if the truth lay in their sparkling blue depths.  Apparently, it did.  Eries' expression softened and she sighed tiredly, her gaze that the ground space separating them.  "Allen, there's too much for us to be close.  There lies between us this…"she faltered, not wanting to hurt his feelings.  "…this solid _wall_ of _your_ personal issues that will never let us be close."  Her logical side was spouting everything it could to prevent her from running into his arms.  She looked up at him and nearly crumbled at the look on his face.  

            He looked lost, heartbroken and utterly miserable.  She watched him turn his head away, silent.  That was enough to squelch any arguments her practical side might have had on the matter.  Eries approached him and hesitantly placed a hand on his cheek.  She winced when she felt the tears on her palm.  "I'm sorry," she murmured.

            "No, Princess, you're absolutely right," he said, smiling sadly.  He leaned down and softly pressed his lips to Eries' forehead, closing his eyes.  A soft gasp emitted from her throat.  Then he took her in his arms, holding her tightly to him, as if she were all that he'd ever been searching for in his life.  Eries closed her eyes, wishing that it were true.  "Good night, Princess," he whispered into her ear before letting her go.  

            She watched Allen go back inside the palace, unable to move.  She could still feel the warmth of his arms as they held her.  There was a pressure in her chest that began to hurt her as she remembered how safe and at ease she felt in his arms.  Abandoning all reason, Eries went inside after him.  She remembered leading Allen to his room, as she had been hostess earlier that day.  And there she stood, at his door, staring at the ornate wood, but unable to bring herself to open it.  

            The door opened abruptly and Allen very near knocked her over.  He reached out and grasped her arms, steadying her.  Her face turned crimson.  "What are you doing here, Princess?" he asked, startled.

            "I…" her voice had left her.  _What_ exactly was she been doing there?  Suddenly she felt very foolish.  He was still holding her, and Eries could feel herself growing warm with humiliation.  This was ridiculous.  What a _stupid_ thing for her to have done!  But she looked up and there was Allen, watching her with nothing more than a worried gaze.  

"I just, um…" Oh, gods, she could just _feel_ the sky come crashing down on her head.  And before she could even try to stop herself, she was crying in his arms.  As she sobbed into his chest, she felt all her problems die away.  

He wrapped his arms around her, stoking her back soothingly.  "Oh, how childish I must seem right now," she said, sniffling as she pulled out of Allen's embrace.  She hurriedly wiped her tear-stained cheeks with the sleeve of her night robe, taking deep breaths to clear her head.  Allen only watched her with an expression she couldn't quite read.  Was it…longing?  Sadness?  She looked away, trying to forget this whole little incident.  "Good night, Allen.  I'm terribly sorry for acting like such an idiot just now.  It's been a long day," she said, once again coldly distant.  She turned and started toward her bedroom.

"Wait."  He barely uttered the word, yet it reached her ears and made her stop dead in her tracks.  She didn't want to turn around; she knew that if she did, it was all over.  Any willpower she might have left would disappear the moment she looked into his eyes.  It didn't matter; Allen came up behind her and encircled his arms around her waist.  Eries had to bite down on her lips to keep from sighing.  No, this shouldn't be happening.  This _couldn't_ be happening!  But she wanted so badly for it to happen.  

He buried his face in her hair, murmuring, "Please don't hate me, Eries." 

She sighed, resting her head against his chest.  "You know I can't hate you," she said, still refusing to turn and face him.  The arms around her tightened, then he spun her around and kissed her.  

Shocked, she made a wild grab for his arms before she passed out.  Oh, his lips felt so good on hers.  She couldn't even think straight.  The only thing that registered in her mind was that Allen was finally kissing her.  She held onto him for dear life as she began responding eagerly.  There was a rustle down the hall and Eries jumped, wondering frantically what it could be.

Of course, there were guards all over the place.  She breathed a sigh of relief when no one came down the hall.  Allen smiled down at her and ushered her into her room before anyone else had a chance to walk past and see them together.  

The room was pitch black and Eries flinched when she felt Allen begin to kiss her again.  Her heart was pounding in her chest.  She knew what this would lead to.  Did she want it to happen?  True, she was scared out of her mind, but maybe this was meant to be…She couldn't reason with Allen nibbling at her ear, sending shivers down her back.  

"Um, Allen…should we…" she mumbled.  He placed a hand on her breast, rubbing the hardening tip with his thumb.  She promptly lost all sense of speech, leaning her head back, exposing her neck and chest.  Slowly, Allen nudged at the hem of her robe, revealing the tops of her breasts.  Eries moaned as he began pulling the robe away, sucking at her neck gently.  "Oh, Allen…I love you," she whispered.  

It was as if she had announced there were twenty guards and her father just outside the door.  Allen stumbled back, his eyes wide with alarm.  "Eries…" he said, as if he had just realized what he was doing.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" he took a seat at the edge of his bed, running his hands through his hair.

Eries adjusted her robe and strode over to him, kneeling between his legs.  "What are you sorry for?" she asked.  Surprise briefly crossed his face before he looked at her with regret.  "I wouldn't have let you do anything I myself didn't want."  She laughed at his astonished expression.  

His smiled sadly, tracing a finger along her jaw line.  Then he shook his head.  "You shouldn't be here, Princess."  His expression turned somber and he turned to stare at the floor.  "You should go back to your rooms.  It's late."

Eries' brows knitted in confusion.  "What…then why…" she stumbled over her words, not quite sure what was happening.  She stood and took a few steps backward, falling into a conveniently placed armchair.  The look on his face…his words…  The revelation hit her like a ton of bricks.  He was going to use her.  She had said those three words and it stopped him cold.  

            Looking back up at him, she felt tears well in her eyes.  His gaze was still on the floor, an imperceptible expression on his face.  "Allen…" she uttered his name and the tears began falling.  It was too much for her; she wrapped her arms around herself and glared at him.  "You don't care, do you?  Were you just going to do with me as you pleased and toss me away when you were done?"  There was anger and pain in her voice.  

            Each accusation hit him hard.  And each one was true.  He was the lowly bastard who would take advantage of a lonely young woman needing friendship.  Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she stood, but Allen couldn't make himself get up.  He'd only hurt her more.

            "I can't believe that you…" Eries was crying uncontrollably now.  It would do no more good trying to talk to Allen.  It was like yelling at a brick wall.  She turned and ran from him, wanting nothing more than to cry in her older sister's arms.  But that was impossible and there was no one she could go to now.  

            In her bed, alone, Eries wept until she could no more.  The tears had stopped, but there was still the agonizing knot of betrayal and pain in her gut.  When sleep finally claimed her, she welcomed it, wishing to forever lie in oblivious slumber.

*          *          *

            Allen Schezar, Knight Caeli of the Kingdom of Asturia, woke up feeling the need to die.  His head felt like he had been knocked repeatedly with a blunt object.  His throat was dry and his limbs felt like lead.  To anyone else, it could easily come across as a hangover.  But last night was no hangover.

            He was pretty certain that this was his worst screw up when dealing with the opposite sex.  Worst of all, he had never meant for it to happen and didn't know what to do about it.  Eries was definitely _not_ one to forgive easily.  He had played with her heart.  For one that always kept her emotions in check and seriously repressed, this had to be very hard for her.  

            The more he thought about, the more the guilt got to him.  He lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling for answers.  None came.  It didn't surprise him, of course, but he was kind of hoping for a miracle.  He'd have to see Eries before he left, which was in about an hour or so.  Rolling his eyes, Allen got himself out of bed, dressed and ready to leave.  Making his presence in the throne room, he saw none other than the second princess of Asturia seated at her father's side.  

            Allen announced his departure rather uncomfortably, feeling Eries' eyes burning into him.  Her face was blank, but there was a formality that clearly indicated that anything between them was over.  By the time his audience with the King was over, any hope Allen had for speaking with Eries had died.  Most likely, she thought him scum of the earth and the cause of every hardship to mankind.  And he deserved it, too.

            By the time he was ready to head back to fort, Allen was ready to give anything to take back the night before.  He was still trying to figure out what had possessed him to do what he did.  There were lines one did not cross and Eries Aston was one of them.  Damn, if only he had maintained a little self-control.  There was nothing he could do or say that would sway her now.    There wasn't even a chance that he could find her and _try_ to sway her.  Would he ever be able to make someone happy?  He looked up at the palace and saw the figure watching him.  Closing his eyes, he turned away.  

*

            Eries stood at her balcony, her head held high as she watched Allen's departure.  There were no more tears to cry.  There were no more bitter emotions in her heart.  She had abandoned them all.  Now void of all feeling, Eries retired to her chambers.  The blonde knight's image was still in her mind, but her heart no longer recognized who it was.

~End~

Author's Notes/Comments/Rants: Wow, that was weird.  I haven't watched the whole series in about two years…Get this; I've had the whole series on DVD for about three months and haven't seen it all yet.  The thing is, I can't watch it without my sisters (yes, we're weird like that, no watching newly purchased anime without all three of us) and I'm only home about every other weekend…that sucks.  So I've resigned myself to watching Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust and Utena: Adolescence Mokushiroku over and over and over… but oh well, I'm going home this weekend!  Yay!  Other than that…should I go on?  I like the tragic ending…but it's got so much potential…*sighs* Let me know!  Comments and constructive criticism always welcome!  Flames will warm my freezing dorm…


End file.
